Oh how i love the opening rhyme! It sing songs to me and i love it, the rhythm is perfect, it reads very well. I'd have a few suggestions BUT this does exactly what you want it to do. (i love specks / speaks).

You old romantic, you. Will you write something for v-day?

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coffeehouse is selling out!

I haven't decided yet! I need spontaneous inspiration for poetry; I can MAKE myself inspired for prose, but that doesn't work for poetry :/

Actually... out of sheer curiosity... crit this! I'd like to see what you have to say.

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SINAI BENDS

i'm leaving the comment outstanding so i'll remember to do it tomorrow. I'm off to bed

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coffeehouse is selling out!

Heh, you and poetry. Who'da thunk?
Interesting premise, though I'm reluctant to call it a premise. Concept, I suppose. It's nice to see romance that couldn't be considered hopelessly romantic.
The ending is excellent, though the metaphor is a bit overused (no critique, I know, but this is a slightly different perspective on it), and it brings the rest of the poem together very well.
I kind of like the "your voice is not" part, with the listing. It seems like a very prose influence, but it's an interesting method regardless of what it is.
I enjoyed it. I probably would've enjoyed it even more if I were your girlfriend, which is a good thing, but let's be thankful that's not the case.

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Good things come to those who wait. Good things come faster to those who don't.

First I'll say: Wow

The last stroph (plus the last line) are amazing, amazing.

"And every diamond
That wasn't once dirt

Is false"


No matter what I thought of the poem before, that line made me love it.



That being said, there are some minor issues that should be ironed out. You have some extraneous words (if there is a word that can be taken out that doesn't change the meaning of the poem, it shouldn't be there). Once you tighten this, it will be even better.

I think most of them are outlined at the following link (The 10 Commandments of Poetry).

[link]

You've got amazing talent at writing...and I think with this you made me like your poetry just as much as I've liked your prose.

I think the best compliment I can give you is for a prose writer, you write much better poems than 70% of the population of poetry writers on DA. This was charming, and more importantly honest, which is really what brings endearment to a love poem.

It's quite musical, at least from my perspective. The rhyme scheme you have worked.

I'm really sick, tried to find some critique to give but i'm a bit frazzled.

Best wishes for you two

Oh, the structure seemed about right, too.

I really like the "doubt-forge, with e-pain" bit. I like it very, very much. But I'm a geek like that.

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The Golden Rule should not apply to masochists.

Our relationship happened online at first; I mean, we had met face to face, but we really got to know each other online then; on IRC and through e-mails. This is what the doubtforge and e-pain refer to; this nagging "but do I really see the real person or do I read my desires into what sparse textual feedback I get?" feel; the pain brought about by the distance. I have another poem in my gallery which I wrote to her ([link]); this poem, however, is half in German. It was written exactly at this moment of doubting. The bottomline is: all we can ever do is hope; so let's hope!

Very glad you liked it

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SINAI BENDS

I can see how the message of this progresses and it is neither cloying nor bland, it avoids cliche at every turn. As a poem, per se, I think that there is a distinct break between the first extended metaphor and the later progression.

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WEBSITE : BLOG : AMAZON

Thanks!

And that's true; I tried to keep the first metaphor in by connecting the earthy sound of her voice to the fertility of the earth, which extends well into the final line, but that's not a very strong connection. I needed to say both things, and both things are true, so I'm happy with it despite the superficial dychotomy. (pardon me big words)

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SINAI BENDS